January

C: Garlic-hating Councillor Sandy Beach

Councillor Sandy Beach says he wants to put the wow! factor into Thanet. His ideas appear to revolve around even more residential/hotel developments, with the odd fish and chip shop thrown in. This, of course, is all well and good for Margate, but here in Ramsgate we prefer things to be a little more chi-chi.

For example, in Margate, the biggest debate in the past decade, apart from the hand-wringing about the new Anthea Turner Centre, has been whether or not to re-instate a mini roundabout on the sea front. And, of course, what to do with all the amusement arcades that have been torched.

During the same time, here in Ramsgate, we have had our eyes on higher things - building a marina to rival Monte Carlo's, restoring the local church, and, of course, burning down the 19th century library so that it can be turned into a residential Starbucks cum Hilton Express.

Now that's what I call forward thinking.

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February

B: The Anthea Turner Centre

Kent County Council announced this morning that the latest estimate for building the flagship arts centre in the North Sea, somewhere off Arsongate, had jumped from £30m (up from £20m just a few months ago), to a whopping £50m. And the contractors could not guarantee that it would stop at that, or that the thing wouldn't float away and sink, taking a number of priceless paintings with it. A test pylon they implanted in the sea bed on the proposed site last year blew down within 24 hours, as did Margate Pier, which was in exactly the same spot, in 1979.

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March

C: One-Eyed Pete the carny guy

A flurry of excitment over in Margate, the Arsonists' Playground, where a gentleman called One-Eyed Pete has got pulses racing by announcing that he is going to 'fill Dreamland with rides for the summer'.

Mr Pete's list of exciting attractions includes:

- Stepladder climb (tickets available for both the upward and downward legs)
- Stuffed cat spinning on a turntable
- The Pirate Bench (new from Latvia)
- Bogie picking
- General arsing about
- Burgers

That should bring the tourists flocking.

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April

A: Sir Roger Wind

I happened to glance at The Gazunder as I was changing Bertie's litter tray today, and saw that Sir Roger Wind, the Conservative MP for Thanet (Arsonists), will no longer be writing his regular slot for the paper.

I don't normally follow political ins and outs, let alone notice what the local MPs get up to, apart from when my own representative, the Right Honourable Steve Ladyboy, Labour MP for Thanet (Millionaires), zips past in his Ferrari.

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May

C: Councillor Jeff Kirkpatrick

Relaxing with the Thanet Times over a cuppa when I got back this evening, I came upon a picture of local council chairman Jeff Kirkpatrick enjoying a game of volleyball on Broadstairs beach.

Councillor Kirkpatrick, who's engaged to Dolly Parton impersonator and gay icon Mandy Winters, is presumably building up his stamina for the honeymoon.

PS: I've been asked by my highly paid media lawyers to clarify that Ms Winters is an icon for gay people, and not, so far as anyone knows, an icon who is gay. So that's that cleared up then.

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June

B: The 'temporary' fencing along the crumbling East Cliff


I see Thanet District Council has retained its warped sense of humour while I've been away.

They've fixed this huge banner, informing us 'Ramsgate is beautiful, let's keep it that way', to their rusty old temporary fencing that prevents people from straying too close to the edge of our crumbling East Cliff.

Despite an engineer's report that the cliff is in imminent danger of collapse, the go-getters at our new look, newly responsive TDC have done nothing about it for more than a year.

Still, I'm sure they'll offer to tidy up the mess when the whole thing tumbles onto the site earmarked for luxury apartments below.

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July

A: Dane Valley Ted with "And may I thank Victoria Beckham for extending the hand of friendship to the people of Thanet."

Thanks for all the captions. I think we've had all we're going to get, especially given the sweltering nature of the weather, and the fact that everyone's gone to the beach.

All the comments were to a very high standard, I thought, but the one that tickled me most was Dane Valley Ted's: "And may I thank Victoria Beckham for extending the hand of friendship to the people of Thanet."

So if DVT, or The Hairy Branflake as he's known in these parts, would care to email me at eastcliffrichard@yahoo.co.uk with the address of his static caravan (I believe he's from Margate), I'll arrange for a bottle of bubbly to be delivered toute de suite.

And if anyone else has any candid shots of our local twitterati, do pop them on an email to me so that they too can be mocked mercilessly.

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August

C: A charitable company

Q: When is a charity both a charity and a company?
A: When it's a charitable company!

Thanet Community Development Trust (TCDT) has recently demanded a 100% plus rent hike from Revolution Skate Park in Broadstairs, precipitating its imminent closure, and thus depriving the Ile's youth of anything more constructive than nose picking and intense scrutiny of Britney Spears websites to occupy their idle minds.

Although the first four words of its website boldly state: "We are a charity", TCDT would be more accurately described as a 'charitable company'. A quick check at Companies House provides the information that its registered company number is 04385681, and its registered address is 21 Norfolk Road, Cliftonville, Margate, CT9 2HU. Its type is 'Private, limited by guarantee, no share capital'. It was incorporated on 1 March 2002. Its SIC(03) code is 9133, which means it's classified as a 'Member Organisation', sub-classification 'Other Membership Organisations'.

A search of the Charity Commission's database reveals that it was also registered as a charity (no. 1049701), on 21 November 2002, with its memorandum and articles stating that it was set up for:

THE PROMOTION AND ADVANCEMENT FOR THE PUBLIC BENEFIT OF URBAN AND RURAL REGENERATION IN THE ISLE OF THANET BY ALL OR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING MEANS:-

Including:

THE PROVISIONS AND MAINTENANCE OR ASSISTANCE IN THE PROVISION AND MAINTENANCE OF RECREATIONAL FACILITIES FOR THE PUBLIC AT LARGE AND/OR THOSE WHO, BY REASON OF THEIR YOUTH, AGE, INFIRMITY OR DISABLEMENT, POVERTY OR SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE NEED OF SUCH FACILITIES;

and

THE CREATION OF TRAINING AND EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES BY THE PROVISION OF WORKSPACE, BUILDINGS AND/OR LAND FOR USE ON FAVOURABLE TERMS.

I suppose they would argue that, even at £43,000 a year, Revolution is still getting 'favourable terms'.

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September

A: HAL the computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey

Sacre bleu! I 'ave only been in ze south of France for a week, and I find my dulcets all over Radio Kent.

I wouldn't mind, but to protect my anonymity they've made me sound like HAL the computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey, in that scene where he's having his bits pulled out.

Anyway, what am I doing? I'm meant to be on my hols! Garcon - encore un gin and tonic, por favore!

Editor's note: The voice subsequently did, in fact, sound more like Pinky and/or Perky, but only after it had been 'doctored'. So give yourself half a point if you answered 'B'.

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October

A: Dumpton Syndrome


by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Staff

It's official! Owning a large yacht can lead to a diminished manhood!

The effect first came to light following a survey of over 1,000 women in Thanet who had dated men with cruisers moored in Ramsgate harbour. More than 70% agreed that they had been treated to undersized portions in the captain's cabin.

Now marine eggheads have discovered that local sea life is also becoming genitally challenged, and have concluded that toxic paint used to coat the underside of Ramsgate's floating gin palaces is the cause.

And they've even named the condition after the area in which it was first detected - 'Dumpton Syndrome'!


A quick survey conducted by the Gazunder at Dumpton Gap confirmed the report's findings. Asked whether he'd noticed anything unusual in the trunks department, one male swimmer braving the chilly October waters said: "I'll tell you when I find it."

Google search: Dumpton Syndrome

Are you taking the mick? Ed.

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November

C: Just about everything

Stationers and DIY stores across Thanet have reported a rush on rulers and tape measures after bungling council experts were fined for saying a three storey building would only be two storeys high.

The knob-knuckled bureaucrats have already been described as one of the worst planning departments in the country. Now they stand accused of not knowing their roof from their basement.

Other developments which are thought to have been affected by oversize oversights are:

• Pleasurama development. Planners say that the new, £200m development of 1400 luxury apartments and five luxury hotels will be no higher than the crumbling East Cliff, but a source told the Gazunder that he'd seen drawings which 'made the Empire State Building look like a kiosk'.

• Turner Centre. Far from coming 'onshore', according to the Gazunder's source plans drafted by the department show it covering much of the Thames Estuary.

• Dreamland. Again, our source says that the council's planners have included huge new rides and attractions to rival the likes of Disney World! Shurely shome mishtake - Ed.

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December

B: Fun-loving doctor of laughology Richard Eastcliff

Cliff Top Mansion
Victoria Parade
Ramsgate
Kent

Dear Ms Oapen,

I feel I must apologise for the way I jumped the gun the other day and announced our impending nuptials. It was rash and silly of me, and I was motivated purely by self interest. I admit now that I faked the photograph of us together, and that I have never met you in person. All talk of a fairytale wedding was entirely the product of my fevered and rather over-active imagination.

If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I'm certain that we could have a friendly and purely platonic blogging relationship going forward, and to that effect I have added your blog to my list of 'local millionaires'.

Who knows, we could even become pals, and I'd be delighted if, at some stage in the future, you would handle my rather substantial portfolio bugger I think I've blown it again.

Yours sincerely,

Richard Eastcliff

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Bonus Question!

Why, Sandy Beach, of course!

Lumme! I've got an old chum who works at one of those media training companies, and he's sneaked me a peak at some video work they did with our local council recently.

I didn't know Sandy had it in him!



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